The Kurt Cobain In Me

kurt cobainI’m so happy ’cause today
I’ve found my friends …
They’re in my head
I’m so ugly, but that’s okay, ’cause so are you …
We’ve broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care …
And I’m not scared
Light my candles, in a daze
‘Cause I’ve found god

Ever since I preached 20 years ago to a crowded hall of teenagers in Aberdeen, Washington (just months after Cobain’s suicide), I’ve always had a sort of interest about Kurt’s life—but never bothered to delve into it. He was an incredible talent, a remarkably gifted artist and musician.

Watched an interesting and insightful mini-documentary into the wee hours last night. I couldn’t help, after having had laid my head on my pillow several hours after I normally check out for the evening—wonder how much different Kurt’s life might have been had he been apprehended by grace at some point in his life?

Sadly, I don’t think Kurt had any concrete idea about what grace looked like and it’s painfully apparent to me that he never quite experienced it’s sweetness firsthand—although I’m certain he longed for it.

(The account of him making a “decision” for Jesus and being baptized aside. I’m not among those who promote the notion that water baptism justifies sinners like me, any more than I would argue that an hour in the bathtub could save my soul).

Cobain was what you might call a paradox, you wouldn’t have to interview very many people to hear he could be a royal egotistical jerk (a pain in the ass). Besides that, he was a self-admitted heroin addict and had flirted with death (and suicide) more than once before that fateful day in April, 1994.

Then there was the “nice” Kurt so many who knew him reference. It’s pretty obvious he got carried away by his success and yet never seemed to forget who he was and where he came from (and who he was not, which by all accounts haunted him).

“I was tired of pretending that I was someone else just to get along with people, just for the sake of having friendships.”

While his life met an unnecessary and tragic ending, the journey that led Cobain to his demise provides a chilling and sobering look into the soul for all of us who struggle with a thousand different demons. If we’re honest, there’s a little bit of Kurt Cobain in every one of us.

And for me, there was quite a bit more than I might like to face.

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